Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Good morning
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…