Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
i wish i could marry a nap
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
At least try to make it slightly believable
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view