Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

79.

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.