Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’