Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Yes 😂
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4