Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
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*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?