Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?![]()
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Sell your car
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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Kids: Stay in school.
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
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