Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

If snakes were wide