Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?