Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?![]()
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Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
😂😂😂😂😂😂
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft