Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?