Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.


I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …


Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.


Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.


doctor: i’m afraid the part of your brain that helps with rhyming may never work again

me: uh oh spaghetti


At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?


Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.


Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man



me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*