Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
doctor: i’m afraid the part of your brain that helps with rhyming may never work again
me: uh oh spaghetti
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
me: may I clear your plates?
me: *sits down to finish their fries*