Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using