Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
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Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.