Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

After 35, your body ages in dog years

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

😜

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

No selfies while hijacking a train.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.