Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.