Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Glasses

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.