Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”