“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Goodnight 🐶
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I need to get some bricks…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?