Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.