NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
what does he know…
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.