Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meal prepping shit is easy

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.