Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

WHO DID THIS?

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher