Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.