Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
You Might Also Like
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
TODAY
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.