Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot