Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
You Might Also Like
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?