Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it