Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.