Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You Might Also Like
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook