Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Basically, any European coat of arms:
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.