Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Me redecorating every room in my mind

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

seems fine

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.