Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

I think this cat is broken

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

Oh the world we live in…

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.