Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?