Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

How software testing works

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.