Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.