NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
.. do you even science?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.