Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.