Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.