Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

every. time.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Today’s Times

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.