Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

this was very charming

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.