Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

meow

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Oh my God.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.