Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!