Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.