neighborhood watch
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*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”