neighborhood watch
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BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh