neighborhood watch
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I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Tapped in
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.