neighborhood watch
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
