Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
😤😤
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Sex so good you see dead people.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken