Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: