Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.