Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

Weighing up my bread heating options

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

they see me scrollin

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently