neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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