Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Netflix and you sit over there.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.