Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
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The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it