Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Möther may I have a snäck

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

The French cow says MEUX…

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.