Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work