Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
When the stylist spins you back around
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
a lot to unpack here
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.