Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
This was a bad idea all around
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
🤔😂😂
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious