Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
fly smarter, not harder
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.