Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer