Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

monday

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years