Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon