Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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7.
8.
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10. He is a cat.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.