Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.