Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I am HOWLING at this

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time