*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.