*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.