*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
new record!
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN