Neighbors rented a bouncey castle three times and haven’t invited me over once. I walked by today. Castle is undefended. Considering a siege. 🤔🏰
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one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
it must be school picture day
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
no exceptions
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too