Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.