Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator