Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

me, too, girl. me, too.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.