Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

Science is fun!

#nottrue

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.