Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*