Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
You Might Also Like
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.