Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny