Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…