Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

Me, flirting😏

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do